Some people say that the Ferrari LaFerrari is the best car ever made.
It is powered by a 6.3 liter V12 petrol engine, with the addition of an electric motor and a F1 style KERS system. This gives the LaFerrari a staggering 950 BHP, and a 2.4 second 0-60 time.
The LaFerrari, then, is no small feat. It has around the same weight as the current BMW M3, yet it bears more than double the power. It’s very fast, light, and very beautiful. There’s carbon fiber and alcantara everywhere. This comes at a cost, however.
Brand new, a LaFerrari would cost you over $1.4 million, and years of kissing Ferrari’s buttocks. That is totally outrageous. Yes, the LaFerrari is a brilliant car. But when the non-Weissach Porsche 918 costs $845,000 brand new, it is the obvious choice. Even then, you’re spending way too much money.
If you want a high-performance car that’ll impress the ladies, you don’t need a hypercar that costs over a million dollars made of carbon fiber, built in the finest part of Italy. What you need is a dilapidated two-stroke car made out of recycled cotton built in Communist East Germany.
You need the Trabant.
I know what you’re thinking. Why in the world would someone take a Communist cotton car with the engine from a leaf blower over a super-fast Italian masterpiece? Hear me out.
The Ferrari LaFerrari goes from 0 to 60 in 2.4 seconds, and goes on to a top speed of over 220 mph. The Trabant, on the other hand, went from 0-62 in 21 seconds. This was also its top speed.
Clearly, the Trabant is a little bit slower than the LaFerrari, but this does have its benefits.
If you crash a LaFerrari at its top speed of 220 MPH, you’ll die, despite its amazingly strong carbon fiber construction. If you crash a Trabant at its top speed of 62 MPH, you’ll die also, probably due to its recycled cotton thermoplastic bodywork.
So, why spend over a million dollars on a hypercar that’ll kill you when you can get a cheap people’s car that’ll kill you also?
Let’s say that you crash your LaFerrari, but fortunately it doesn’t kill you. You’re suddenly out of hundreds of thousands of dollars (or at least a massive deductible) due to its complicated construction, and the fact that Ferrari will milk you like an obese cow for service costs.
Not the Trabant, however. Given that the car is made of basically hardened cotton, it’ll tear and crack in case of an accident, rarely denting. All you need is a needle and thread to fix the body!
For heavier accidents, just use some Elmer’s Glue, or Bondo for extreme cases. For no more than five dollars, your Trabi will be as good as new!
And that’s the great thing about the Trabi. You don’t have to worry about a shopping cart rolling into it when you’re shopping. It costs nothing to fix. In the LaFerrari, you can’t even take it shopping, as it’s trunk is smaller than the IQ of Justin Bieber. If you do take it out elsewhere, then you have to worry constantly about people hitting or keying your car.
Furthermore, the LaFerrari is a scary car. All 950 of its horses go to the rear wheels, a disaster waiting to happen. The Trabant, however, is less powerful than a bicycle, and it is front-wheel drive. That means you don’t have to worry about thrashing it into the corners.
Underpowered cars can be quite fun, and can be more fun than some supercars, simply because you don’t have to worry about crashing it or damaging it.
And another thing: Unfortunately, many people with supercars are passed off as douchebags, flaunting their wealth. If you are just driving around in a certain car because you like it, this can be an annoying stereotype. The only women you’ll attract are gold diggers.
The Trabant, on the other hand, is much more discreet, if you ignore its ostentatiously loud exhaust belching out thick smoke. You aren’t stereotyped as a rich scumbag or as a very poor person. People will wonder what on earth you’re driving, and many interesting conversations will be provoked.
The Trabant is an excellent conversation starter, while filtering out people who know nothing about cars, or are just trying to put your ride on their Snapchat or Instagram.
As far as the LaFerrari is concerned, nothing annoys me more than the fact that almost all of them will end up in the hermetically sealed garage of a rich oil sheikh as an investment. That’s not a car.
It’s true, most supercars aren’t driven. Think about all the amazing cars that are sitting in a garage this very second. Whether it is because you’re worried about scratching it or crashing it, or you have no interest in driving, you really don’t have an excuse.
Cars are meant to be driven. Period. If you aren’t going to drive it, don’t buy it. A car is completely useless if it is sitting in a garage.
And that’s why I would rather have a Trabant than a LaFerrari. I’d be too scared to drive it. I wouldn’t want to damage it. With the Trabant, I wouldn’t have that worry. Damage is easily repaired, and is very inexpensive to complete.
To be quite frank, if the LaFerrari turned out to be the worst car ever built, it wouldn’t matter because nobody would drive it anyway. At least with cheap cars like the Trabant are driven, and keep on going.
There’s almost nothing to worry about with a Trabi.